No regrets! No to sleeping alone!

Due yesterday

—but I forgot what I was going to blog and thought that watching the koreanovela is much better than spending my life thinking about what I was thinking about seconds ago before I forgot everything.

I don’t know about you but I always think about what it would be like if I am dying one day. “They don’t care about you unless you’re pretty or dying.”. I am not pretty. And I am not close to death to beg it for me to “die” in a manner that I am still alive.

If one day I am going to be asked about who my best friend is, I am going to shrug because free shrugs were given that day.

“I don’t know.” What I now say to people because I really do not know. But that seems to make me seem mean and I feel so pathetic that I add, “Whoever says I am their best friend then maybe I am THEIR best friend, maybe they are MY best friend.”

People don’t seem to know what a real friend is nowadays. But back then I knew that a real friend, simply and without exaggeration of any sort, is there for you even when you don’t call or text and won’t make you feel like you’re being neglected or forgotten whilst you’re dealing with the fuckery of your life.

Though I know that our world is changing, fast and rapid like lightning! And the thoughts and views and opinions and values and beliefs change so drastically that many perspectives are happening all at once and not only one thing is right, I think that my idealistic vision of a friend is now unacceptable.

See, I just contradicted myself here. What now?

Whatever the definition of a friend today, I don’t think I’ve really got a best friend who’s really a best friend. Generally, I am saying that that best friend should be your best friend as well. It was never a one-sided kind of shit. Again, I contradicted myself since I can’t define it.

All I am saying is that, I tell my blog and my laptop and my brain everything more than I tell any of my friends. I figured out back then how I tell different kind of ideas or thoughts or problems to every friend I have. It’s because I am a person who has so many different friends, some are emo, some are gay, some are lesbian, some are straight, some are weird, some are party people, some are party poopers, some are holy, some are evil, some smoke, some hate smoke, some loves japanese comics, some hate reading, but there was no one else like me. Lol yeah I punched line myself. My point in this paragraph here is that I tell different things to people (not different stories but one topic or something okay, I’m not the inventor) because I am comfortable with them on a certain topic or degree of awkwardness on a topic.

But I never felt like telling everything to even just one person. These, all these, in my blog are all inside my head crammed up, filthy and aging. If my laptop can speak, I’m sure it’ll tell me that I think too much and it cannot take me anymore it will leave me alone.

Yeah, everyone gets tired of me and they leave. Some stay because they feel guilty, some stay because they feel obliged, some stay because they think I might commit suicide, some stay because they need something from me, some stay out of pity, and some stay because they hold it against them their pride. Yeah, Britney Spears should have included pride in that lyrics.

No one ever told me that they’re afraid to lose me. Funny, no one ever told me they wanted me there, or they wanted to stay in my life as much as possible.

Or just that I never felt such strong friendship to anyone, or I did, but they left.

Or just that I am thinking too much again, and my own depression and drama illness (same) is telling me that I should think like this.

But sick or not, crazy or not, bitch or not, I am telling you no one ever told me anything that would make me want to think that having me or me having someone is such a wonderful thing to both of us or anything like that shit, okay?

I feel so terribly alone right now, in this millisecond! Lol every night I think about how no one knows what I am thinking right that moment, and those moments multiplied to nights and days without sleep until I looked like a zombie. As weeks went by, one would think that, “Where the hell are my friends gone to? Saturn?”.

Oh, they’re here in the same place called Earth but are too busy with their time, school, college friends, and boyfriends to make a time for you. They are so busy with their own life to waste their precious time with you. And they are so busy to even think of anything thoughtful to do for you, like, AS IF you do that to them, right? Ring any sarcasm? Do you ring any sarcasm here? Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?

It’s such sadistic of me and pathetic, and from another perspective I really do pity this girl typing this blog, because up to what extent did her mind drove her off to that even she wants to experience dying just so she could experience the love and care she deserves?

How low and dramatic and painful can it get that she wants to have a heart attack or cancer or be involved in a car crash or be shot in the head or anything that is far from suicide, because she never wants suicide, before anyone notices?

How badly does she want dying than living?

How living is such a pain like graded 10 of migraine?

That when she closes her eyes, it’s much more painful than opening her eyes to strain and she has no other choice but to close them again even though it causes her much more pain.

How much more do we have to break before it gets better?

How much more effort do I have to give before it gets better?

How much more do I have to be happy before they care?

How much more do I have to make an effort to be happy just to be happy?

That’s all for tonight try your call later.

24Jan2012 9:20pm

Posted Jan 24, 12